Coaching Bloopers

First of all, when I looked over this entry, I realized that I left out something critical, so I'll say it now... I love math!!!! Anyways, this exceprt was taken from what I typed up for the summer swim team parents. There is a lot of other information in the packet we gave them, but I felt it was important to add something about injuries as well. After many unsuccessful attempts, I came up with this. And at the very least, it'll make whatever we actually do use, look that much better.

Injury
We don’t like it when swimmers hurt themselves. Honestly, it makes the coaches very sad. This is why swimmers should not hurt themselves. They don’t really wanna made us sad, would they? I hurt myself twice swimming actually. One time I finished into the wall really hard and my hand started bleeding. This is clearly an example of stupidity on my part. Stupidity, or pure genius? How many people can actually say they got a huge gash in their hand by finishing a lap. It’s a combination of idiocy and genius (wow, geniis is a word… hehehe, it’s kinda funny looking). Well, since it was a huge gash, I was thinking about taking the puddle of blood that began to accumulate in my hand and rub it all over my face and go around screaming, “AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!” And maybe some other things such as vampire references or that movie… yeah, silence of the lambs. I haven’t actually seen it because I hear it’s pretty disgusting and scary. Anywho, I think if I did something like that most people would be pretty scared. I say most people and not all because we had a swimming talk about a swimmer who did that, and it was like, “go our for blood!” or something inspirational like that. So while most people would be running to hide from me, the other swimmers would get pumped up and say stuff like “Hell yeah!!! Let’s get ‘em!!!” Well, this would cause even more problems because then the scared people would think that the other swimmer was talking about them, and the scared person would probably crap, or at least piss, their pants. Well this would cause even more problems, because then Wooster would be known as the smelliest place ever because everybody, except the swimmers, would be crapping or pissing their pants in fear. Well, inevitably, somebody would catch on and realize that the swimmers were unaffected. This would cause tons of conspiracies, and eventually somebody would have to say, “It must be something in the water.” Now come on, what kind of an expression is that? Are they talking about drugs here? Who… one moment… I’m eating pizza since it’s done (jealous, aren’t ya?). Please listen to this enjoyable music while you wait… *cheesy music that you hear when you’re on hold, or on an elevator…how horrible would it be if you were on hold in an elevator… it’d be torture I tell ya, torture!!!* Whoa!!! When you surround stuff with asterixes, it makes the text bold!!! boldify me hahahaha, it worked!!! Whoa… boldify me… that sounds kinda… *ahem* Anyways… Yeah, ever seen the movie speed? The real reason the dude was doing stuff with the bombs in the beginning wasn’t because he was… well, whatever was wrong with him. Oh no, it was because of the elevator music, and when he used the emergency phone to tell them to turn the damn music off they put him on hold and played the hold music. The two horrible bits of music combined to drive him insane, and conveniently enough the building was naturally wired with bombs, because it was a top secret building, and it needed the self destruct option. All he was doing was using that option. Ok, well, in all fairness, there are some places with good ‘hold music’. Such as Wooster… they play the bagpipes for you. Well, not them actually, but they’ve got a recording of the bagpipes. That’d be pretty sweet… you’ve got a person answering the phones, and they’d be like, “one moment please” and then go an pick up some bagpipes and start playing them. And you know they’d have to do that a ton, because the people they’d be trying to get ahold of wouldn’t want to talk because they’d have such a horrible headache from the constant playing of bagpipes. Ok, so, when my cat meows a ton, it doesn’t mean that they want something. Oh no, it just means that they want me to enter the room to see what’s going on so they can hide and be deathly afraid of me, and run away from me, just to annoy me. Ok, you know the Microsoft office assistants? I’ve got the professor right now, but he’s kinda boring. When I was scrolling up and down he didn’t move. Now that’s power. Although he is Einstein, and he was pretty smart. I bet he could figure out a way to do something like that. Kinda like how I’ve got a program to destroy the computer screen with a hammer, chainsaw, laser, and a ton of other cool toys (although guns aren’t toys!), yet somehow, when the program closes, your background is as good as new (or at least back to the way it was before you ran the program… unless if you’ve got a virus… those aren’t fun, especially if you’re sick… I hate being sick). I always just wonder how they do stuff like that. Wow, I bet it some sort of art program, but instead of starting with a normal blank white screen, it gives you your background to start with. Ok, so back to the ‘hold music’. Like, my mom’s work plays this crappy music that is almost as bad as “it’s a small world after all” And it drives me crazy. I hate it! Anyways, I’ve also got Microsoft Excel open, and there’s this annoying thing where it wants me to save every minute or something really annoying like that, so it’s constantly flashing orange in the menu bar. I skip it every time, but it just can’t take a hint.

So yeah, I’m still eating my pizza… jealous eh? My mom was… she actually stole a piece of pizza… and when I say stole, I mean she asked and I said, “sure, no problem.” Hmm… apple juice doesn’t really go well with pizza, but here I am, drinking it anyways…. So drugs, eh? Drugs in the water? Who would put drugs in water? I mean geeze, you’d think it get people messed up and they wouldn’t even know it because, hey, they’re just drinking their water… I mean come on, that wouldn’t work… or would it...? hmmm… No, I’m totally kidding. I tried that once, and I felt really stupid for drugging myself. So that expression is really, really stupid. Whoa, I looked up, saw the professor, and thought that it was a huge monster fly! Craziness. Ok, so commas are powerful things. I had “really really” typed, and my grammar check caught it, but when I stuck a comma between the two it made everything all better again. That means, that, if I,,, sud,den,ly st,art, using a bunch of c,o,m,m,a,s then everything will be all better, with, my writing. Sweeeet…. Finished my pizza….

Geeze, you get side tracked so easily! I bet you read all of that garbage back there didn’t you? Come on, that’s not part of the story at all! This is! So, that’s why I didn’t get my blood all over my face. As for my other injury, I got rotator cuff tendonitis in one of my shoulders, and it really sucked. I had to ice my shoulder a ton, and it was over winter training, so that didn’t help much, and we had our 100x100 set at the end of the week, so that made things even worse. Well, one day, out of (again) stupidity, a bit of laziness, and mostly forgetfulness, I wound up icing my shoulder for about 150 minutes straight. Lemme tell you, that’s not the way to go. I think I went from tendonitis to frostbite in that time. Whenever I touched my shoulder, my shoulder felt really cold, my hand felt like it was on fire, and it stung like a ‘something I probably shouldn’t say.’ My swim coach’s brother got horrible frostbite on his feet while cross country skiing way far north. He had to ski 7 miles back and then drive a couple hours to the nearest hospital, with the frostbitten foot. So I could’ve had it worse. My coach probably would laughed at me, and called a wimp or something. Though he probably would’ve been all pumped up from earlier when I was bleeding (which actually happened after my frostbite, but oh well…). My dog is so annoying. He thinks that since he was able to eat an entire package of hot dogs, he should be allowed to moan and bark and make all sorts of the most annoying noises ever that are driving me insane this very moment. Well, my mom just told him to shut up, and since she’s top dog (hahahahahaha… dog! Get it?! Hahahahaha), he listens to her, so he should be quiet for a while… nope, just kidding, because he’s still being annoying. Apparently you’re only supposed to ice yourself for 20 minute periods or something. Wow, I wish I knew that before hand. But it’s all good, because in the end both injuries healed, and I’ve got a cool scar on my hand. So I guess what I’m trying to say here is, injuries heal and leave you with cool scars. And as that one dude on the Simpsons put it, “Chicks dig scars!”