Basketball

Every year, on the first Saturday of December, there is a national math exam, called the William Lowell Putnam Mathematical Competition. This year was the 65^th year of this competition. It began many years ago (and if you think it was 65 years ago, you’re wrong!). Anyways, it was a contest between Harvard and Yale and some other university nearby or something like that. Began as political science then English, and then math (just goes to show what’s best!). Anyways, this has been going on for quite some time now. The way it works is there are 2 sections. Each section has 6 questions and 3 hours to work on those questions. Each problem is out of a possible 10 points, but they don’t really give out point values of 3-7, so it’s either you get it or you don’t. To get partial credit, you really have to know what’s going on. It’s very difficult, and the most common score is a 0 (almost half of the people who take it get a 0). So pretty much, it’s a really hard test and practically nobody does well. Well I took a class this semester where we just prepared for this test the entire year, and then took it at the end. There were about 7 of us, and it was a lot of fun. We even had the president of the College of Wooster come and teach us one day since he’s a math dude and has graded these for many years, therefore knowing how it all works. Anyways, I was taking the test this year, and the first question on the first part was about shooting averages for basketball star Shanille O’Keal. Now, look again, a little closer this time. Perhaps you caught it the first time, but it’s Shanille O’Keal, not Shaquille O’Neal. Now, me being the math person I am, wasn’t concerned about spelling or anything like that, so I didn’t catch it at all. I didn’t even notice that it said ‘she’ a few times in the question. Finally, after I went through all of the questions, and returned, I noticed the oddity. I realized, “Hey! They’re trying to be funny! That’s awesome, go them!” The rest of the question was talking about how her shooting average of 80%. Again, me being the math person I am, I didn’t realize how good 80% was, but once again, this was brought to my attention. After the insanely long math test, I went to the swim meet that I was missing, so I could cheer people on. I know, horrible. I had to miss a swim meet! But it was for math, so I didn’t (and still don’t) feel too bad about it. Furthermore, I didn’t have to swim the mile or the 200 fly. Now, I say that I didn’t have to, but in reality, I would’ve scored a lot more points swimming those events rather than the 200 free (which I got destroyed in). Right, so I returned to the swim meet and sometime when I was there, I overheard people talking about basketball. Well, instantly my mind jumped to the math test, and my headache got even worse (I was getting sick at the time… it made the math test very unenjoyable with a headache… same with the days of the swim meet that I did swim in). So I thought back to it and remembered how they switched it from Shaquille O’Neal to Shakille O’Neal. Well, I listened a little bit closer and I found that they were discussing Women’s basketball. They were talking about why women shouldn’t play basketball, since the end score of one of their games was 33-32 final. Now, I’m not a huge sports guy, but I know enough to know that 33-32 is a ridiculously low scoring game. I then thought back again, and realized that Shakille O’Neal must’ve been playing women’s basketball, and an average of 80% was not only very good compared to the game I just heard about, but unbelievable. The only plausible explanation is that the creators of the problem were merely trying to boost women’s basketball by creating this fictitious star Shanille O’Keal. Well, this means that women’s basketball must be doing bad for them to have to resort to such drastic measures. I mean, come on… they’re trying to make an appeal to the math community… that is possibly the most drastic course of actions I’ve ever heard of. We don’t watch sports, we do math! Come on! Anyways, as if this isn’t bad enough, the truth was finally brought to light in an episode of Futurama. They crash land on a planet inhabited by huge women. While imprisoned, they’re shown around, and they get to see the different aspects of their life. Eventually they make it to the basketball courts. The tour guide explains that while women can’t dunk, it’s the fundamental principles and concepts that they’re concerned about. Instantly Fry and Zapp start laughing out loud (lol for those of you who are aim addicts). And then again, later in the show, a computer asks if they’ve seen the basketball courts, and how it’s good to help them develop their fundamental skills and stuff like that. Again, Fry and Zapp laugh. The only logical conclusion that can be drawn from all of these facts is that women can’t play basketball. With scores of 33-32, and desperate outreaches to math dorks, and Futurama’s revelation of the pathetic nature of women’s basketball, nobody in their right mind would deny the fact that women can’t play basketball.

Words of Wisdom

This is an email I sent out to my hall. It is important to note that it is the first day of final exams, and I survived my first (and hardest) exam already. Also know that this was originally not meant for blog usage, but since I haven't posted in a while, and I rambled a ton in this email, I decided what better place to put it than here! Therefore, I present to you... (now in a Strongbad voice) the email...

In this difficult time of final exams, where the stress seems to pile on endlessly... While we are inside studying when it seems like the rest of the world is outside having fun in the snow... while everybody else is somehow either done wtih their exams, or their exams are so ridiculously easy that they have nothing better to do that write random pointless emails... I find it best to look to the ultimate source of unlimited knowledge to help guide me through these hard and difficult times. Furthermore, to your luck, I wish to share these brilliant, inspirational words with you all. So, without further delay, our words of wisdom from the one and only... Golden Bowl Fortune Cookies.

1. "A new voyage will fill your life with untold memories." With the upcoming winter break, this applies to all. However, it relates especially to those travelling abroad next semester. Have fun, and best wishes to all on your voyage. And why we won't tell our memories ("...untold memories")? I have no idea.
2. "Ask advice, but use your own common sense." Obviously, with finals, everybody will be studying, some by themselves, and some with groups. Questions will be asked, and advice will be given, but use some common sense and don't cheat! Don't ask for advice on the actual exam.
3. "You will never regret the present, you live it to its fullest." That's absolutely right! Exam time comes around and everybody is putting their best effort into studying and doing work for them. You are living these exams to the fullest, and you should be commended for your hard work (however, the grades I usually get back on these are far from commendable), therefore, I commend you all, if not for working day and night, then for being awesome people.
4. "Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded." Hmm... I wonder what the reward is for being a liar... Anyways, self explanatory here, work hard, get rewarded.
5. "Cleverness is servicable for everything, sufficient for nothing." Now this doesn't really sound too good, and I'm not entirely sure what it's getting at, but I'm gonna say, be clever in your exam answer (in other words, BS your way through the tests), and it will be servicable for everything? And apparently sufficient for nothing... that doesn't sound too good... Yeah, it looks like the Golden Bowl has gone over my head on this one.
6. "When you learn to be flexible, amazing opportunities reveal themselves." I think that's saying be flexible, so while you're taking the test, stretch, and since you're flexible you'll be able to stretch out far, and while you're doing this, look off of other people's tests for the answers... uhm... I'm not so sure about this one. That actually sounds like a very bad idea. I think that fortune cookie tasted bad anyways. Therefore, I'll have to change it to, "Good luck this week!" Yes, much better. Much easier to interpret.
7. ??? Still in the package. Who knows what mysterious fortune awaits us all...

And for those of you who are curious, the lucky numbers are:
12,14,17,27,40,45 17,20,24,25,32,38 26,29,30,31,39,47
8,9,10,31,32,33 6,11,32,37,38,39 12,17,30,34,40,42

And finally, in Chinese, Oyster is Hao, Friend is Peng-you, and Apple is Ping-guo.
Best of luck to all of you on these exams.

Andy Nicol